Rev. Mary Ann Bernard. File photo.

"From the dark cold grime, a flower comes. It groans, yet sings, and through its pain, its peace begins."  Rev. Mary Ann Bernard

"I love the United Methodist Church. My greatest gifts, as well as the greatest trauma in my life, came from it. God is good. I have been in ministry inside and outside the church, and my life in God continues and reaches far beyond my life in the church."

These are the words of Rev. Mary Ann Bernard, who will retire after being in ministry for more than 43 years. God guided her ministry journey to serve beyond the local church in ways many of us have not experienced.

Mary Ann grew up in the church, attended Wesley Acres Camp, was on the CCYM, and attended Annual Conference as a youth. Also, at that same time, she was raped by her local pastor, one of many he abused. While experiencing a clear call to ministry in the United Methodist Church, supported and guided by many others, Rev. Bill Bates, Bishop Jim Armstrong, and Rev. Duane Ewers, the struggle always was how to serve an organization that gave rise to the best experiences in her life and the deep traumatic wound of rape. It was a bumpy ride.  

She completed her undergraduate degree in Psychology at the University of North Dakota and a Master of Divinity at Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. She was Ordained in 1980 as a deacon and in 1984 as an elder. "The church, even this beloved conference, was a toxic and unsafe place for me. Yet, I followed God's call," said Bernard. 

Rev. Mary Ann Bernard, left, baptizes a baby at Evergreen UMC in Wahpeton, N.D. Photo from Evergreen UMC's Facebook page.

Serving the local church 

Pastor Mary Ann's first appointment was to a three-point charge, Elgin, Zoar, and Ebenezer UCC in North Dakota. She was then appointed to Vincent United Methodist Church in Minot, North Dakota, as associate pastor. Rev. Wayne and Char Brown were a great support, but she was restless being in this conference, which was still a very unhealthy place for her and others to be.

Bernard transferred to the Iowa Conference. Bishop Rueben Job was there, knew her, and was a person she trusted and cherished. After two appointments there, "it became clear that I needed to deal with the abuse issue. I took a leave of absence and went to Maine."

Serving beyond the local church

In Portland, Maine, she directed the YWCA women's residence. Bernard also worked with a multi-traditional spiritual group on a campus for a non-profit promoting relationships between Native and non-native people and worked for the post office. "It looks like I drifted in and out of the ministry. That is not true. I always was in ministry even when I wasn't serving through a church," said Bernard.

She returned to North Dakota to again serve a local UMC church in Ellendale, North Dakota. During that time, the Cabinet was pursuing charges against the pastor who had raped her and abused others. The process did not ultimately hold him responsible. "I could see both the desire of people like Rev. Dwight Meier to bring justice, but the system failed again to do that." 

She married and moved to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, again taking a leave of absence from the UMC, working as an interim in a Presbyterian church, and also being a surrogate mom: giving birth to a child for her friends who were unable to conceive.   She wrote a book about that experience titled The Gift of a Child.

The couple then headed to Hawaii, where Mary Ann worked in a program similar to Head Start. She found herself single again, and moved to Horsehead, New York, to work first as the director of a Head Start Program, then as a chaplain at Bethany Village. She built a ministry for 14 years with aging people, some dealing with severe dementia.

"I was not appointed there," she said. "All this work is not reflected in the service record of the Annual Conference. It was work chosen while my status was 'on location,' but nonetheless was ministry." 

There was a mix of denominational backgrounds among the residents at Bethany Village, Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestants of all kinds. Bernard said, "We figured out how to do worship and Bible study together across traditional dividing lines. We learned to facilitate worship with people suffering from profound dementia. We had prayer like I had never experienced prayer. The power of the spiritual connection was beyond anything I had ever experienced inside my denomination." She worked to grow the chaplaincy program there to include three other caregivers and to more fully meet the needs of the multi-level aging population of about 350.
 
The CEO said, "Nobody else is doing anything like this with those with advanced dementia." So, he invited Bernard to speak at a state conference.  

While in New York, she also had angora goats. She learned to spin and weave their mohair and to manage her small herd. "The goats taught me community. They were a family, and I was part of that. God is there in all that, just in how life unfolds. God is the core of my life."

She sums up her ministry outside the local church this way. "Outside the structures of the church and the organization of the UMC, I found God moving in clear and vibrant ways. Scripture was clearer to me there. My call was as valid. I might never have ventured outside the denomination, but I was forced to by the unhealed trauma in me and in the church. Once outside, I discovered my faith being refined and strengthened. My relationship with God and my call to ministry were ever-present. I developed 'outside the church' ways to live out my call to ministry."

The journey continues

Today she is the pastor at Evergreen United Methodist Church in Wahpeton, North Dakota. She will retire from that appointment this summer and will move to Hawaii.

Pastor Mary Ann shares, "So many issues are bombarding our denomination and pressing on us as a nation. We all wonder how to make sense of the destruction and violence being done in the church and the world. What I know is that it is possible to do hard things. Really hard things. If my pastor hadn't raped me, my ministry could have been a very different life. Perhaps the church would have had my leadership and creativity all to itself. Instead, by living my call like I did, I know for sure that God can raise us up from anything. The church itself could fall apart completely, and I wouldn't worry because God would raise it up. That's who God is. I would never be able to say that with confidence if I had stayed in the bounds of the church all my ministry."

Bishop Rueben Job and Dr. Norman Shawchuck used a poem Rev. Bernard wrote while attending UND in their book "A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants."  It's a poem quoted by several other publications and has recently been set to music. It captures the struggles and the grace of her call.

Pastor Mary Ann shares smiles and flowers. Photo from Evergreen UMC's Facebook page.

Resurrection

Long, long, long ago;
Way before this winter’s snow
First fell upon these weathered fields;
I used to sit and watch and feel
And dream of how the spring would be,
When through the winter’s stormy sea
She’d raise her green and growing head,
Her warmth would resurrect the dead.

Long before this winter’s snow
I dreamt of this day’s sunny glow
And thought somehow my pain would pass
With winter’s pain, and peace like grass
Would simply grow.  The pain’s not gone.
It’s still as cold and hard and long
As lonely pain has ever been,
It cuts so deep and fear within.

Long before this winter’s snow
I ran from pain, looked high and low
For some fast way to get around
Its hurt and cold.  I’d have found,
If I had looked at what was there,
That things don’t follow fast or fair.
That life goes on, and times do change,
And grass does grow despite life’s pains.

Long before this winter’s snow
I thought that this day’s sunny glow,
The smiling children and growing things
And flowers bright were brought by spring.
Now, I know the sun does shine,
That children smile, and from the dark, cold, grime
A flower comes.  It groans, yet sings,
And through its pain, its peace begins.

From Rueben Job and Norman Shawchuck, eds., A Guide to Prayer (Nashville: The Upper Room, p. 144).